One of the main aspects of Cloverfield that initially irritated me was the reluctance to actually show the New York-bashing monster. In publicity and you tube clips there was no sign of the beast, not even a quick flash.
"But Hot Lunch, anticipation's the stimulation" said my pal Tom Araya, and I agreed with him.
So we went along hoping to see civilisation AS WE KNOW IT fall at the hands of some dastardly bastardly creep. But when the movie ended I still had a tingle of anticipation.
"We didn't see half enough of the beast," I grumbled.
"But that was the point!" remarked Tom.
"Arrah fuck off."
So, off I went to the internet in search of monster porn. Furious searching that literally took a few minutes saw me unearth pics that made him look like a whale with legs (fake), a whale with big suction cups (tantilising) and, finally, the truth. I have found that the Cloverfield creatre is a big pile of swimming sticks. Look at him here, all he is is a bunch of twigs with a fly's head.
The site reveals that toy makers Hasbro are releasing Cloverfield creatures to coincide with the DVD release later this year. Unless I want to scare nest-building Robins, terrify worm-sucking Jackdaws, or make tree-climbing cats uneasy I don't think I'll be buying one of these.